


I'll Give You My Whole, My Grace To Your Soul (Let Me Heal You Tonight)

by Whitecanaree



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Castiel Heals Dean Winchester, Castiel's Tan Trenchcoat (Supernatural), Confessions, Dean Winchester Has Abandonment Issues, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Hurt Dean Winchester, M/M, Meddling Sam Winchester, Sexual Tension, Sharing a Bed, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Vulnerability, Vulnerable Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:00:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25860223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whitecanaree/pseuds/Whitecanaree
Summary: "Ahem..It's called sexual frustration... where you get aroused .. and this..." - he waves at the front of his jeans - "starts going up and it doesn't  stop until you uh.. satisfy yourself in some sorta way.""What way?" - Cas asks, still trapped in his information absorbing state.Dean looks at him unbelievably, raising his eyebrows "The orgy kind." - he decides to say, willing himself to just evaporate into thin air."Oh" - Cas replies as his gaze flickers to tbe ground.Or :Sam sends Castiel to see Dean in a black trenchcoat.Feelings erupt.Actions are done.Lots and Lots of Hurt/Comfort caused by Dean's Abandonment issues.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 25





	1. Should We Cross The Line?

**Author's Note:**

> So this was based off the idea that if Cas ever wore the black jacket in the pic below, i mean come on, dean would definitely have something to say about it.
> 
> But Dean is a very sophisticated character so that's why there are 5 chapters.
> 
> Enjoy x.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realise the title of the work sounds a lot more emotional than the contents of this chapter but it's true. A lot of angst and fluff and feels will follow in the upcoming chapters.
> 
> So have fun x.

Dean is sitting in one of the rooms of the bunker, they don't use it much, except for storing the alcoholic beverages and Dean when he wants to clear his head by drinking himself into unconsciousness. 

He has his legs dangling off a table in the middle of the room, several beer packs sitting on top of eachother to his left. He's holding a bottle of cheap beer between his index and thumb, looking about ready to zone out on the world for 10 days any minute now.

Castiel walks in stiffly.

"Dean im not entirely sure about this new clothing, I feel it's too formal. Tell me dean is it--" -Cas cuts off his rambling as he looks up from his clothes at dean.

"Why are u looking at me in this dark manner? Is it its dimly colored aspect? I warned sam about this color, color of death and tragedy. But he insisted that, and i quote "black is the new beige" " -Cas continues in a slightly annoyed tone.

He then starts to look inside the jacket to feel its texture experimenting it.

Dean falls silent, as his eyes are fixed on Cas with an unreadable expression. 

Cas' hands pause their movements as his head raises slightly to take Dean in. He then fixes his posture and removes his hands and attention from the new jacket he's wearing as he studies Dean intently. 

  
"Dean i can sense your sexual instincts are intensified more than usual, i can um.. even see that." - Cas starts off with his usual informative tone but it falls flat on awkward at the end as his eyes linger on Dean's crotch thoughtfully.

  
Cas' eyes then go to his own pants.

  
He's silent for a few more seconds.

  
"I don't understand this..." - He speaks as his eyes go back and forth between his and Dean's similar conditions.

"I'm losing my shit here." - Dean finally speaks trying to calm his voice.

  
"I don't understand your expression." - Cas replies as he furrows his eyebrows at Dean.

  
"It's... i.. i can't..."

  
"What is it? Are you also genitally uncomfortable?" - Cas says as he shifts a bit on his feet, clearly feeling how uncomfortable his pants are.

  
Dean stares at him dumbfounded.

"Yeah.. uh that.." - Dean says as he chugs a relatively huge gulp of the beer he almost forgot he's carrying.

He closes his eyes , his head bowed down as rubs at his temple then rubbing his eyes as if to will them the power to open and face reality.

"what do you think this is?" - Dean says as he waves a hand infront of his jeans, trying to look as professional as possible. 

Cas looks at Dean for a second then down to where Dean is gesturing, his eyes widen as it dawns on him, his cheeks get a very faint pink color.

"Oh."

  
Dean rolls his eyes at the angel "Yeah.. _Oh.._ "

Cas suddenly starts searching the room thoroughly. 

  
Dean raises his brows in a challenging are-you-serious way but ends up being more of a questioning look.

He jumps off the table nonetheless, getting alert.

Castiel pauses to explain, "There are no hex bags around, and I'm certain this jacket isn't cursed, I don't understand what's happening to us." - He concludes.

"Well i don't know what's happening with you, _angel_ , but i know exactly what's happening with me." - Dean says with a slight smirk.

Cas keeps his eyes on Dean waiting for more explanation.

Dean huffs, goes around to grab a bottle of whisky and perches himself on top of the table taking a long swig from the liquor.

"Ahem..It's called sexual frustration... where you get aroused .. and this..." - he waves at the front of his jeans - "starts going up and it doesn't stop until you uh.. satisfy yourself in some sorta way."

"What way?" - Cas asks, still trapped in his information absorbing state.

  
Dean looks at him unbelievably, raising his eyebrows "The orgy kind." - he decides to say, willing himself to just evaporate into thin air.

  
"Oh" - Cas replies as his gaze flickers to the ground.

A few moments pass, both Dean and Cas still frozen in their places. Dean is drumming his fingers against his bottle staring frequently at Cas, while Cas in turn looks at him thoughtfully.

The angel breaks the silence.

  
"you said you're feeling arousal?" - Which is probably the last thing Dean ever thought would come out of Cas' mouth. He tries not to look like a fish out of water.

  
"Uh yeah. I did. I am." 

  
"What's the reason? I mean- why the suddenness of it. Is it the jacket? Maybe it reminds you of someone." - Cas says as a conclusion as if he found out the reason behind it all.

Dean blushes deeply it runs along his shoulders and he can feel the blush creep onto his chest. While Cas standing there wearing that jacket isn't helping the fire he feels in his body.

He tries to cover his face by running his hand all over it as if his patience has run out (probably did).

Cas of course notices the movement. 

"I apologize, I don't intend to.. pry on your private matters." - He says apologetically. 

For maybe the 30th time in the passed 10 mins Dean wishes the ground would open up under him and swallow him somewhere no one can find him.

"Shouldn't you be worrying about why are you in this situation? I mean... I'm.. I know who I am. I can be overly sexual relying on these things to relieve myself from my constantly stressful lifestyle..I'm a man with so many fetishes. Some of them weirder than others.." - Dean explains as he looks at his hands, the walls, anywhere but Cas' piercing eyes, that are looking right at him.

Then he wills himself to look at Cas as he continues "But why you.. an angel of the lord yourself.. are having ..this .. now? Hmm?" - He finishes as he swings his now almost empty bottle in the direction of castiel's tightened pants.

"I... I .. don't know." 

  
"I don't know? ... _I_ _don't know ???_ One.. **can't** possibly not know , _Cas."_

"I'm new to this vessel condition. Have barely been using it for a decade. This is the longest time I've used a vessel, continuously. 

I've usually subdued the human sexual urges. I don't have experien-"

"What do you mean usually..? You actually went out of your angelic way, and allowed yourself a slice?"

"What slice? I.. oh. I understand. You're refering to intercourse. Yes Dean, it was mainly when i was human and lost my powers.. i stopped being able to control these needs and it was not like i was a duty active angel. With me not serving a higher purpose, not having the required capacity to do that, i thought it wouldn't matter or affect heaven in any way and my place up there if i used some.. sexual activity.. to um.. relieve myself, as you say."

"What changed now?"

"I told you dean i don't fully understand it. That's why i asked you what caused its initiation with you, maybe i can understand my condition more and help us both out of it."

Dean laughs.

  
"We don't need angel juice to uh 'help ourselves out of it'. I certainly never needed that in my whole life."- Dean smirks and clicks tongue - "Good times." - He says as he recalls a few memories and takes a sip from his bottle.

"Okay then.. guide me to the steps you use to deal with it.. it's a bit uncomfortable, dean."

"You still don't get it, do you?"

  
Castiel crosses the room to stand infront of a sitting Dean, a whisky bottle now empty in his hand. In shock, It slips through his fingers to the table.

  
Cas looks thoroughly at Dean his expression changing to frustration and slight anger.

"Well you're refusing to share your knowledge on this matter with me. _How am i supposed to " **get it** "? _"- _H_ e grits this last sentence through his teeth while he slams his hands on both sides of the table dean is sitting on.

Dean's eyes widen and his dick reacts immediately where Cas feels it between them.

"Well, fuck!" - Dean loses it.

"What?" - Cas asks confused.

"Me." 

-

-

-

Sam walked out of the shower with a towel around his waist. He grabbed another one from the bathroom cabinet on his way out and started drying his hair with it. 

He went to his room to get dressed, then he went to the library and started digging through the stacks of old books trying to find a matching creature for the 4 psychotic cases that happened in Oregon.

Apparently, 4 cases of brutal death, murder according to the marks left on the temples of all victims' right side of the head. But this isn't the strangest thing believe it or not, the victims' cause of death was "unusual extreme emotional trauma" accompanied with intense continuous crying for 24 hours straight, no break, which causes death due to incapability of the body to handle the trauma.

Victims also showed several distinct forms of reactions to grief specific to how each person reacts. And in one case the person was strong enough to handle the trauma, they lasted 36 hours. But in all cases : Cause of death : mental incapabality to handle the trauma as its intensity increased with time.

All the bodies were dehydrated because of tears and sweat over production and even vomiting liquids out of the body, all because of deep grief. And they had bloodshot eyes, literally not figuratively. 

This was a tough one, all the victims had in common till now was that they're all males above 40. And they're all bald, which doesn't seem relevant but literally ,who knows ?

Sam sighed after picking up a few books, opened one in his right hand as he started surfing the internet on his laptop with his left hand for any common conditions, or places these men went to in common.

His eyebrows furrowed in concentration at the laptop.

"You said you're feeling arousal?"

Sam heard a low voice say, it startled him and he looked around till his eyes landed on the reciever screen of the camera he set up just outside the bunker.

He totally forgot about that.

  
He thought sending cas there with that black coat looking as hot as he can look, that it would elicit a strangled reaction out of dean and he would hold it over him for the rest of his life. 

He thought it would just be a shocked face he'd capture on that camera that will turn to anger and come find him and "i swear to god sammy you're dead".

  
He didnt think it would turn this way.

"Uh, yeah. I did. I am."- Dean said and Sam could see the nervousness in the posture of his mouth.

The camera was set in a corner that captures only Dean's place so Cas' voice was the only thing telling Sam that cas is still there.

"What's the reason?"- Cas' voice said again.

Dean blinked up at Cas ready to pick a fight with the whole universe.

  
Cas must have felt like he stepped over a certain line because he quickly followed it with :  
"i mean-why the suddenness of it. Is it the jacket? Maybe it reminds you of someone."

Sam couldn't believe what's happening.

By far, this is the best idea he had ever had. He smirked and covered his mouth as he laughed quietly and watched Dean squirm to his core and use his hand to rub his whole face, which Sam knows is a thing he does when he's extremely frustrated.

And oh, sam knows what kind of frustration that is. If he wasnt 100% sure before, now he is. Dean is in head over heels.

Sam took the opportunity and went quickly to the kitchen and grabbed himself a beer and whatever plate of leftovers he could reach from the fridge and ran back through the bunker to reach the library before they say anything out of earshot.

Now luckily this thing isn't only shooting, it's recording so he'll watch the whole thing from the beginning later, he promised himself.

Sam knew he missed some of it because he heard muffled sounds while he was still in the kitchen.

Dean's half of the sentence proved him right.

"I mean..I'm.. ik who i am.. i can be overly sexual relying on these things to relieve myself from my constantly stressful lifestyle.. I'm a man with so many fetishes. Some of them weirder than others.. but why you.. an angel of the lord yourself.. are having this.. now? Hmm?"

Sam watches as Dean swings his bottle in the direction of Castiel.

No way.

Could this really be what it sounds like? Did Cas have his sexual awakening infront of dean? Scratch that. Because of Dean? It seems so.

Sam watched them trade words back and forth.. dancing around the "forbidden subject" : their mutual attraction towards one another.

Sam thought he was having the time of his life. But he completely lost it when cas strikes with his last question. Sam has to give it to him, this is the most awkward question Cas had ever asked. And considering it's Cas, that's pretty wild.

"Okay then.. guide me to the steps you use to deal with it"- yes cas just asked dean to help him ejaculate. 

Sam at this point has an excited disbelieving huge grin, his eyes trained on dean.

"It's pretty uncomfortable, dean." - Cas adds when Dean doesn't respond right away.

Poor dean is probably having an internal crisis right now.

  
And sam swears sometimes he doubts if Cas does these things on purpose to see how Dean would react- It's priceless by the way. 

>   
> His doubts about castiel not being as pure and innocent as he shows started that one time when Dean told Cas :
> 
> _"last time someone looked at me like that, i got laid"._
> 
> Sam ofcourse was smirking that Dean actually said that, the situation was spicy and he enjoyed it.
> 
> But then Cas just stood there and kept looking at dean _like that._ And the situation turned wild.
> 
> Or as sam notes in his own mind, Cas turned wild. So yeah maybe he is not as innocent as he lets on.

  
Back to the movie at hand, Dean looks like he can either cry or shout at Cas because of the thickness of his mind and becuase oh cas _just doesn't get it_ how is dean supposed to answer that without actually having to man up and face his not so innocent feelings towards cas.

Dean confirms for the 99th time that sam can read him like an open book when he chooses to say "you still don't get it do you?".

Now sam isn't sure if dean means it as [cas just stop asking weird things will you] or [cas you have no idea the things i burry deep inside of me] but that's barely important right now bcz in a blink, cas is standing in Dean's very very personal space.

Dean obviously looks more surprised than sam.

Sam can barely see his face now as cas' vessel is engulfing him whole. But he can see a bit of his side profile as well as cas' entire side profile.

Sam can not hear what cas is saying but he is murmuring things furiously next to Dean's ear, where his face is envading.

Sam suddenly feels things got too intimate for him to keep watching but he still watches anyways eyes moving impossibly closer to the screen as if that will help him hear better. 

  
Cas is talking very slowly drawing each word out torturously slow **and** low in the way his mouth is moving and sam can only hear snake hisses. 

"How am i supposed to **get it** ?!!" - cas suddenly raises his voice as he slams his hands on both sides of the table dean is sitting, settling himself more in the center of Dean's space looking him straight in the eyes.

_And. Okaaay. **Damn**._

Sam watches as both men look downwards... seemingly at something that should be very close to both their bodies since- oh god he can **not** believe this. What in the fuck of intimacy is happening.

He feels himself blush and feel uncomfortable and about to puke as he thinks about it.

But he's always been a curious person.

He watches as Dean's lips curl around some words. Cas looks at him surprised "What?"- sam hears him say.  
Sam can not hear what dean said nor he can understand it from the movements of his lips.

Cas' form is still engulfing Dean's and sam still can not see what's happening no matter how much he gets closer to the small screen. Damn he'll have to watch it on his laptop's big screen later. But he is sure there are some movements between them. 

He notices fog has formed on the monitor's screen from his breath because of his close proximity to it. He wipes the screen with his sleeve, and returns to look at it, his eyes widen comically, and if there was any remnants of food in his mouth they have definitely been dropped to the floor.

Dean is layed down on the table. And becuase this is not a bed, _obviously_ , his head and the upper part of his shoulders are not supported by any surface except Cas' arm as he forges Dean's body with his own and kisses dean senseless.

Dean's legs hang down from the opposite part of the table as if it's a normal sitting position. But that doesn't forbid Cas from climbing to the top of the table- well dean, top of dean- stradling his hips.

And as Cas does so, he had to break the kiss, and yeah Cas can be a slut at heart in Sam's percpective.

* * *

_"He's an angel sammy he deserves some respect. I thought you believed in angels." - Dean had said once during one of their rides in the impala._

_"Yeah dean I'm not saying he's not, but he is just.. it's just.. nobody is innocent these days." - Sam says as he pinches the bridge of his nose._

_"I don't really remember him having a heart to heart with you when you banged blacked eyed ruby, now did he? So why do you have to be such a nerd about everything?" - Dean says almost offended._

_"That's not what nerd means!"_

_"It does in your case."_

_"What does that even mean, **my case**?"_

_"Your case is that you always go Dr. Phil on everyone, let the guy have some sex it's not gonna hurt anyone now is it?"_

_"You tell me"- Sam eyed Dean skeptically._

_Dean then just looked at Sam in utter annoyance and turned up the radio, **bitch,** he murmured. Sam heard it anyways , **jerk,** he replied. _

_Sam knew the conversation had ended long ago but he never gave up._

* * *

So now sam, had thought cas was a slut at heart, but still a very inexperienced slut at that.

So the jump/climb he did on dean's body was not the least bit graceful nor anything close to practiced.

And he struggled to sit himself on Dean, to anyone who might see it, they would think it's some sort of weird grinding down on dean that cas is doing. But It's definitely not the case.

Cas is wriggling his butt. He doesnt know how to do this , trying not to put his full weight on Dean's "fragile mortal human" body. But dean has had enough, as he impatiently tugs at cas' loosened tie and brings him down crashing their lips and bodies together.

They're very inexperienced. And Sam had noticed since a long while that he should stop watching them he seems like a _pervy nerd_ as dean would put it.

But he still can't believe it that's why.

So he'd been forcing himself to endure it for no other reason than shock. Sam would believe if you'd told him there's been a vampire nest living under his bed and feeding off of him for the passed year, than believe that Dean actually acted on his feelings towards Cas.

It's not the angel attraction he's been closeting. It's his attraction to males. Sam always knew Dean wasn't strictly into girls, but never in a million years had he thought Dean would ever actually act on these types of feelings voluntarily other than the uncontrolled blush and stuttering he sometimes exhibits around certain guys when they hit on him.

Which dean usually responds to by, very unsmoothly, extracting himself from the situation. 

But this has taken a whole different turn, he is torn between clapping dean on the shoulder, hugging him or emptying his stomach content in the toilet. 

He decides he will do non of that for now. Instead, he'll keep the food in his stomach by going back to his research , and he'll congratulate/ tease dean later when the two love birds are done.

Sam turns his chair so his back is facing the monitor and goes back to his laptop in an attempt to get the images out of his head.

Meanwhile on the monitor:

Cas lifts his weight up with one hand pressing against the table beside Dean's head, too careful about dean. Again, dean is having non of that, he just keeps on pulling Cas by his shirt downwards to close the space between them, but cas is not complying. 

  
Dean then moves his arm around Cas' back, pushing him down till cas squishes dean entirely.

That's when his hand moves to Cas' jaw, Cas breaks their heated makeout and stares at dean trying to understand him.

Dean's expression is not very clear . But then suddenly Cas gets up and off of the table, dean props himself on his elbows half laying down.

Cas moves towards him and starts stroking his hair , and caressing his cheek. 

In a flash they're gone. 

"SAMMYYYY!!" - Sam startles as he hears the call from outside. He smirks and prepares to run when the raging fireball comes for him.

He stands clutching the table on alert. But nothing comes. A few minutes pass. But nothing happens. This is very unusual, Did something happen to Dean? Did something attack him?

He moves around the house quietly but quicky, gun in hand, scanning every corner.

He climbs up the stairs to take a look outside. Nothing. Not even dean. Or cas. Strange. He goes back inside and strolls through the hallway , he hears a noise from Dean's bedroom. 

  
He prepares to attack but as soon as his hand approaches the doorknob he hears it. Gross. They're kissing. He backs out feeling more grossed to hear the actual noises, grateful that the monitor didn't catch the sounds.

Sam then gets back to his work. And minds his own business-well the family business. And leaves dean to mind his angel business, a fond smile on his face.

-

-

-

[@thewhitecanaree](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/thewhitecanaree) on tumblr.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter, we will know exactly what was going on outside. Meaning, the POV will be shifted to Cas and Dean again. 
> 
> With a lot more angst and feels 🥺(bc dean 🥺)


	2. Don't Pity The Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is triggered into feeling things he buried long ago. Cas is the reason, the problem and the cure 
> 
> But will he have the patience to stay? And will dean have the wisdom to keep him close?

_Previously :_

> "Well, fuck"
> 
> "What?"
> 
> "..Me.."

_________

Dean didn't know what came over him. He actually... that actually came out of his mouth.

They looked in eachother's eyes very intensely, he felt so exposed but now that he is looking into Cas' eyes, he cant stop.

He feels admired, appreciated even. He knows for sure angels are dicks so it's not just about Cas being an angel, that it's like his duty to make people feel, whatever the hell Dean was feeling or whatever bullshit. This is personal. 

  
His mind couldn't control itself anymore, not with the very close distance that Cas has left between them. And it's not like he could back away, the table prevents him from any backward movement eh might attempt. He'd then have to climb down the table or tell cas to give him his personal space.

But his mind has shut down all its quarters, except for that one chamber that is usually forced shut.

 _The_ _Castiel_ chamber. It's a very complicated place , a place where he feels not only a form of desire but the emotional need to feel and do things, and no nuh uh, he is not walking down that road again. Especially not with the only family he has besides Sam -that is still alive, _and actually wants to be around him_ \- he found himself thinking about his mom.

He cast his gaze downwards breaking the extremely intense eye contact where his greens met the blues of the unearthly being who was making his emotions stir. 

  
Emotions are good. But for Dean, not so much, yeah he'd start feeling tingley and that lightness that comes when Cas is staring at him with the most appreciative stare, almost admiring, that goes straight to his heart, with no detoursof guilt whatsoever. Reminding him that he can still _feel_ things, other than pain.

But emotions for Dean, also mean he'll have to deal with the first time he killed a monster. His heart sank back then, but his dad said it's the right thing so he forced himself not to feel anything while killing, bury the feelings so deep they don't interfere with his performance, maybe he can make his father proud.

Emotions mean remembering things from his past, that he doesn't wanna remember, like the look of disapproval his dad gave him constantly. Like when his brother left, talking trash about their lives, never once thinking how would that make Dean feel. Dean, who sacrificed everything so that his little brother could live the best life there can be in their situation.

Dean gulped in his throat, trying to fight away the emotions surfacing. Emotions also mean, his mom. Mary winchester, he met her when she was young he dreamed of having her in his life. And just when that happens, she leaves him. The only light he had in his life was his mother, living or dead. Now that she saw him, he wasn't enough for her, of course she wouldn't like what she saw, who wants a murderer for a son.   
He has failed his father, his brother, and his own mother. Emotions mean feeling that and not only recalling it as a motivation to wake up every morning, pushing himself to look out for everyone above himself, maybe that would erase a little bit of the guilt and cover up the failures in his being, maybe he wouldn't have to think about the horror that is himself. That's his lifestyle.

And here stands a being, who believes in him. For no fucking apparent reason.

  
He doesn't wanna fail Cas, too. _Not Cas_.

  
Cas could read Dean like an open book, even when they rode together in the impala, and Dean's eyes were on the road and Cas' own eyes couldn't linger on dean more than a few seconds, afraid he would catch him staring.

Even then, in the silence of the impala, he could read dean, he could _feel_ dean.

  
He could also feel nervous in Dean's presence. He didn't know why he felt like that, he didn't completely understand it.

At first, before he knew the Winchesters, before he became involved with humans, he used to stare down at Dean as long as he wanted even with the most intense stares-one would think they were devoid of any emotion, but they were rather focused on understanding this human.

But now he remembers he was really trying his best to stay focused on not showing or accepting his absolute fascination and respect for the righteous man- for _Dean._

  
And those stares, they made Dean uncomfortable but Cas didn't get it, he just kept staring trying to understand more.

  
Now that he has experienced some human experiences, he still doesn't understand most of the things he feels or the urges that come upon him. But they're there. So he can't stare at dean as freely. There's something that makes him nervous and flustered.

At this moment, Cas was lost in Dean's eyes, green with a hint of extreme care and empathy, for those he loves. He could feel Dean unintentionally speaking through that stare, more than he ever held in conversation.

  
But then those eyes suddenly clouded with guilt and Dean casted his face downwards.

After all that time, Cas knew Dean more, but there's still too much he didn't understand.

But he knew, to wait. Don't push Dean, or you'll lose him. _He'll wait_.

Dean was trying to hold on so hard. Regain control, why did it suddenly seem like too much.

Cas was still surrounding him, it's surprising there is still space for oxygen for him to breathe, but somehow it's always like that. With Cas, he can always breathe.

He didn't feel himself clutching Cas' black coat. Trying to calm his breathes.

"Dean" - it was not urgent even a bit, it was pateint but there. Demanding something. What was Cas demanding.

Dean thought Cas probably feels guilty for something now, he thinks he did something wrong. And is demanding to know what happened. Demanding something Dean can't give.

He quickly retreated his hand from the coat, what was he doing. He is Dean Winchester. He deals with everything on his own. He is not- and will never be- a pussy.

  
He squeezed his own hand hard and let it fall beside him.

He could feel Cas' head follow the movement of his hand, _is Cas relieved it's not on him anymore? Or did he still want it there?_

Either way Dean feels it, he'll fail Cas. One thing after the other, from the smallest things to the-

  
He felt Cas' knuckles brush his cheekbones, under his eyes, and that gentle gesture made his tears fall. Fall on the angel's hand. That hand that stilled when it felt the cold of the single tear that fell.

  
Dean wanted to fucking die.

He could feel Cas' hand spread out on his cheek, engulfing the right side of his face, his thumb collecting the wetness left under Dean's eye.

  
He tried to man up, what is wrong with him, but he couldn't look Cas in the eyes, not like this. Not when he looks like he is breaking. 

But Cas insisted, the son of a bitch always demands more than dean's pay grade.

He lifted Dean's chin up, hand sliding to his jaw.

Dean still refused to meet his eyes.

Dean knew the moment Cas' hand left his jaw, the angel would flutter his wings away- away from Dean.

He missed its weight on his cheek, but at least now he can deal with whatever mess he put himself in.

  
He raised his head and was surprised he met the one very same angel right infront of him.

He didn't have time to tear his eyes away, as they were quickly shut once Cas ran his fingers through his hair.

  
His mom used to do that when he was little.

  
Cas kept massaging his head, calming him and at some point he felt like he was being petted.

But that didn't matter anymore, he looked at Cas in that moment to find him already looking at him, studying him with extreme emotion, not like he used to when they first met.

"Don't pity the broken"- Dean said trying his most convincing sarcastic voice, his voice broke at the last word. 

Cas said nothing, his hand descended from Dean's head to his neck , to his shoulder and rested on his own handprint on Dean's skin.

Even over the layers Dean was wearing he still felt it, he shivered.

Dean was so scared, of everything in that moment. But he decided to run with it. And not fight it. He wasn't even sure if he coould actually fight it if he wanted to. Was cas using it to control him?

"I am not controlling you, Dean"

"Quit getting into my head."

"Just because i know what you're thinking, does not mean i am invading your telepathic privacy Dean"

"I just... know you"- Cas said and it came out very intimately heavy out of the angel's mouth.

Cas then tightened his hold on Dean's shoulder, recalling the first time he grabbed him that left that mark in the first place.

Cas' eyes were piercing through him and he never felt more vulnerable.

He raised his own shaking hand, and landed it on cas' coat, where he very slowly took a fistful of the clothing even grabbing the shirt underneath.

Dean was in war with his hand holding Cas' clothing, eyes completely focused there, hadn't noticed he brought Cas even closer until he felt his breath on his face.

Dean was paralyzed, he just sat there and stared at the angel's face half an inch away from his.

"Cas"- dean whispered.

"Dean"- cas voice was steady and low, but way above a whisper. It was driving Dean's hormones crazy.

"Personal space.." - dean commented trying to get himself out of whisper mode by clearing his throat.

He flattened his hand on Cas chest, to push him away. Then Cas pushed him down and kissed him.   
His hand automatically grabbed Cas clothes hard, again.

His mind short circuited, even if his body caught up quickly to the act like autopilot.

He felt like he was falling from the other side of the table but Cas was supporting him. Arm strong enough to wrap around his back climbing to his neck preventing him from falling.

  
He needed to feel Cas against him. But it felt like there are worlds between their bodies even with Cas literally crawled on top of him, he tried to push himself up, Cas down. Nothing worked.

Now the first kiss Cas smited him with was fine, really great given its surprise and all that. 

But these other ones they're having now, well not that much. Their position is awful, the angle isn't right for the angel. 

Dean doesn't know what they're doing anymore, he just knows that Cas mouth is on his skin.

But Cas' arms are holding his vessel up, trying to give Dean space to breathe. 

  
And fuck personal space, Dean just wants to feel Cas hard weight on all of him- every inch of dean just needs to be held down by cas.

  
So he quits pulling Cas' shirt down, the thing is gonna get teared. He quits lounging himself upwards to meet Cas' body, the table is gonna break. He just surrounds Cas' back with both his arms and brings him down on him full force.

He does one brave move where he actually uses his hand to touch Cas' jaw tenderly. Where the angel is staring at him confused, cheeks red and hair wild, but that's definitely not an innocent look. And damn if his jeans didn't tighten a bit more.

Cas senses the motion in Dean's jeans and shifts a bit on top of him which makes Dean growl low in his throat at the friction.

Then Cas is getting up and standing infront of Dean again. With a good distance between them.

Dean props himself on his elbows still leaning back on that table. He looks betrayed and ready to break and shut himself in an unbreakable shell in 5, 4, 3, 2,...

"We are not alone."- Cas explains quickly.

Dean visibly relaxes but then tenses again for other reasons, as he moves his hand to grab the gun from his jacket.

He is surprised to feel Cas' hand on his cheek.

"No, it is not a danger situation." - Cas says.

"What do you mean not a danger-"- Dean starts to get up angry and on alert but Cas forces him down, still caressing his hair again.

"I'm not a freaking puppy"

Cas just smiles and in a second they are teleported. 

-

-

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[@thewhitecanaree](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/thewhitecanaree) Chat with me on tumblr. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a while I haven't posted I'll try to be more frequent xx
> 
> I hope you enjoyed, :).

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on tumblr @thewhitecanaree if you have any asks or prompts I'll be happy to write about or just come by and say hello xo.


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